That thing that holds us back

A little while back, actually not that long ago but time goes very slowly at times like these, I wrote a post proclaiming that I was going to move all of my ambition into my writing.

Work is a difficult place at the moment.  Not only am I filled with the constant urge to go home, that I shouldn’t be here (which I am assured everyone feels to some extent), but yesterday one person left for a year’s maternity leave and in two weeks another leaves for a better job.  That along with one person being on long term sick leave and the feet become itchy.

As I sit watching my team leave, move on, have babies and get doctors notes, I stare at a piece of work that is easy to do so why can’t I just get on and do it and I find myself doing any one of three things;

1) plotting escape routes (this is only on truly bad days and does include tunnelling out of the building)

2) wondering if I am just destined to sit here, day in, day out, staring at work that I don’t see the point of or am I capable of more?

3) planning my route to working part time at the day job to pay the bills and spending the rest of my time writing.  Writing novels, short stories, articles, anything.  Just writing.

We have to ignore thought process 1.  It’s pointless, especially considering I could just walk out the door, there’s no need to go looking for a shovel.

However, I have trouble with 2 and 3 because of one thing; fear.

Why do I doubt that I am capable of being more than an administrator?  Why do I doubt that I might be different, that there is a better working life out there for me (the number of mind numbingly boring office jobs I’ve had should be evidence enough)?  Why am I not a published writer yet? 

Fear.

What if I don’t make it?  What if I fail?  What if I am destined to be a full time administrator for the rest of my life?

It’s all ridiculous, of course, and I tell myself this on a daily basis.  I can do anything I want, I can be anything I want to be.  Want to be a writer?  Then write!  Want to be published?  Then put your work out there and persist!  Take risks, take opportunities and the world is your oyster.

This was pushed home even further this morning by this blog post, 'Indie author advises to "Just Do It"', with the advice, ‘just do it’.

Of course it’s not as simple as that.  There’s the question of time – you make time -  and money, if you want to go down the self publishing route – start saving!  These are just excuses.  I’ve already drawn up a writing schedule which so far I’m sticking to and as soon as I have enough patience to go banking I will open a savings account for my first novel.

I used to use the excuse ‘I’ll do it when I’m grown up’, well now is that time.  Seize the day!  Grab your dreams!  Be brave!

Cue the theme music!