A is for Ambition

Have you ever felt like something was missing?  Like it’s all gotten too monotonous.  Like you need a nice, big, positive change?

I’m currently stuck in a cycle of wanting something big, but not knowing what.  It is incredibly frustrating, for me and my loved ones.

I won’t go into all of the options I’ve considered and thrown out the window, or the options that I’ve considered and my beloved has thrown out the window.  Although I will let slip that they’ve ranged from painting a room a new colour (but what room?  And can I really be bothered?) to starting a family (woah! Talk about a life change!).

I’ve had anxiety attacks and moments of depression, I’ve been told to go to the doctor, been given cuddles and told to cheer the hell up.

So what am I doing to fix it?

I’ve decided to change my angle. I've known I was going to be something my whole life.  That something changed every year or so.  One year I was going to be a feature writer for equine magazines (now I know you really need a horse to do that and sadly I haven’t won the lottery yet), another year I was going to be a show jumper (as before), the next I would be an environmentalist, another an archaeologist.  This last one came to me during my A-levels so influenced my degree choice which then led to me wanting to work for the British Museum, I’ve wanted to be an exhibition designer for a museum, an osteoarchaeologist and a palaeontologist.  Then I left university and I wanted to be an animal behaviourist, a veterinary nurse (I tried this, it was awful. Never, ever, ever again), and a farrier (forgot about this one, might retrain for this one day).  I’ve wanted to own my own business and I’ve considered retraining to become a plumber (as you do).

Just before I turn 28 years old, and surely I should be something by now, it turns out I’m still an administrator (which didn’t feature once on my list).  Don’t worry, I’m an administrator in my chosen field and actually do a lot more than an administrator would, so really it is just a job title.  But job titles get under your skin.  So many years of ambition, of pushing and working and hoping but time simply went quicker than my career did.

Milton: The best showjumper in the world...ever

So what do I really want?  I want to be a writer.  I’m nearly 28 and I still haven’t had anything published.  So it’s time for a change.  I have refocused all of that burning ambition that has so far got me no where fast.  My whole life it has been split between career and writing, well now I’m pushing it all into writing.

Don’t get me wrong, if a great work opportunity comes up then I’ll be there.  And I’ll still be working full time as my lovely administrator salary won’t allow for part time working.  Mentally, however, I’ve made a switch and will be working hard out of office hours to get my novels completed and ready, learn how to write a short story and venture into the possibility of getting paid for my words. 

I wonder if it’ll make a difference…